Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
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[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129