Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
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You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
Always the vampires
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
I am all good here, 😂😉
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.