Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.
You Might Also Like
[goes to walmart]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
I’m kind of clueless about pop culture. I thought “Hogwarts” was an STD
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.