@yassinovic89

Women’s logic:
I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.

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@tigersgoroooar

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

@Marcmywords2

Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.

@ChicksRule

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

@Tmoney68

[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.

@carinahsieh

imagine a rom com so perfect they never end up together and just stay enemies with sexual tension until they both die

@jonnysun

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

@RCKruseKontrol

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

@delusions_of

I’m like a Rubik’s Cube. Seems fun at first but eventually you’ll want to rip me apart.

@JohnLyonTweets

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?