Women’s logic:
I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.

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Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.


[goes to walmart]


Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?

Me: Even better than that…

[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]


College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.


They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*


Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken

Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen

Me:what is this CSI?


The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.


[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager


I’m kind of clueless about pop culture. I thought “Hogwarts” was an STD


I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.


I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.