Women’s logic:
I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.

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I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.


Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.


Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘


[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.


imagine a rom com so perfect they never end up together and just stay enemies with sexual tension until they both die


ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm


ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this


I’m like a Rubik’s Cube. Seems fun at first but eventually you’ll want to rip me apart.


M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?