Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane

Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!

*turns my chair to get a better view

Me: Carry on.

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.

I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me

It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer

Here’s where I leave the earth for good.

What’s a Messi?

me: this water is not hydrating me.

wife: that’s because it’s tequila.

me: that explains why I’m naked

target cashier:

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!

I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}

I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.

My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.

Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.

Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.

to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.

Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard

-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night

How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work