Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!

If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.

My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”

Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine

Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.

Pilot: welcome aboard

Fighter pilot: [right hook]

The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.

Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.

Then I heard her stomach rumble.

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.

Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.

According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.

You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.

Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.

You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.

[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast