@heroinsdemise

Women’s magazines:

20 pages “accept yourself”

40 pages “loose 30kgs in 4 weeks”

And
Cake recipes..

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@iwearaonesie

9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?

@squirrel74wkgn

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

@sonictyrant

me: one cocaine mcflurry please

employee: u already know i can’t do that

me: why?

employee: machine’s broken

@TheAndrewNadeau

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.

@SteveSuckington

[first time having sex]

Me: are u sure u aren’t too drunk?

Couch cushion: ….

@KPsych29

My eyes physically can’t roll any higher up into my skull to show you how annoying you are.

@hippieswordfish

ME: any advice
DAD: its ok to embellish a little
[later at job interview]
INTERVIEWER: tell me about yourself
M: i wrote harry potter

@sah_nursemom

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

@KalvinMacleod

HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*