9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
20 pages “accept yourself”
40 pages “loose 30kgs in 4 weeks”
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I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
me: one cocaine mcflurry please
employee: u already know i can’t do that
employee: machine’s broken
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
[first time having sex]
Me: are u sure u aren’t too drunk?
Couch cushion: ….
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
My eyes physically can’t roll any higher up into my skull to show you how annoying you are.
ME: any advice
DAD: its ok to embellish a little
[later at job interview]
INTERVIEWER: tell me about yourself
M: i wrote harry potter
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*