Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

Her: draw me like one of your French girls

Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.

– Bear suicide note.

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.

“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”

why are you making this about you?

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None

A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”