Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤

When they try to steal your moment.

My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.

Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.

[Nightcap]

Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.

Her: It’s….a….nice.

Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?

The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.

I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies

why am I working on Labor Day

When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot

If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody

In case you needed to hear it:

A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.

Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

her: what’s your last name?

me: it’s French

her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?

me: no my last name is literally just French.

her: oh how fun, do you speak French?

me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?