Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: are you going to be a better listener?

Pause

5: maybe is the best I can do

Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬

15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please

“Sorry my phone died”

-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened

Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.

B2….

or not B2…

That might be the number.

–Shakespearean Bingo Caller

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind

Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast

Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?

3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving

Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.

3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”

😬

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.

I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night

A big dipper? in this astronomy?

Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer

Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*