women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
You Might Also Like
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.