women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
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Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do