women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

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*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*

“Not again.”


It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying


Watching Dora with the kids this morning. I wish her parents would just get her an iPhone.


Women, don’t tell us about your boyfriend. He’s a guy. We know what he’s like.


“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.


I feel like I might kill someone today, and I’m starving. So clearly the best solution is to just eat someone.


Guys, the history of marathons is kinda wack …. a guy in ancient greece died after running 26 miles & what do we do to honor him? We run 26 miles & … NOT die ? ppl decided to just flex on him for the rest of eternity? If anyone pulls smthng like that on me it’s instant hands


My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.


*girl at the end of the bar winks at me

*I wink back

*she pouts at me

*I pout back

*she drools

Waitress: Call 911! She’s had a stroke!


1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?