@MNateShyamalan

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

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@truegritrumble

*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*

“Not again.”

@Bob_Janke

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

@sammyrhodes

Watching Dora with the kids this morning. I wish her parents would just get her an iPhone.

@juliussharpe

Women, don’t tell us about your boyfriend. He’s a guy. We know what he’s like.

@Steadi_Lady

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

@AimeeHelene1

I feel like I might kill someone today, and I’m starving. So clearly the best solution is to just eat someone.

@MariaSmal_

Guys, the history of marathons is kinda wack …. a guy in ancient greece died after running 26 miles & what do we do to honor him? We run 26 miles & … NOT die ? ppl decided to just flex on him for the rest of eternity? If anyone pulls smthng like that on me it’s instant hands

@chudneyspears

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

@drinksmcgee

*girl at the end of the bar winks at me

*I wink back

*she pouts at me

*I pout back

*she drools

Waitress: Call 911! She’s had a stroke!

@hoedeehoe

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?