women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
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the prophecy has been fulfilled
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
This probably isn’t good
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.