Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
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It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?