Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

[Dinner at Arby’s]

Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday

Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home

Me: Ahh memories

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

I’m trying to write.

My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.

I’m trying to write.

The dog is barking at the hammer noise.

I’m trying to write.

Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.

…I’m trying to write.

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.

The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud

Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat

doctor: are u drinking enough fluids

me: i’ve never drunk anything else

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.

If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.

This pepper has seen some shit

Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”

Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.

cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen

: very

T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.

i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.

Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.