Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.

WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.

Stooooppp!!! 😂😂

Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

[Standards Bar]

Politician: Make it a double.

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?

“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people

My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.