Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket

ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr

[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor

*flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here’s the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*

My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!

dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-

frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*

dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed

[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

*1st day as a human*

Alien: I did one of those poop things

Alien 2: And?

A: The corn we ate was there

A2: So?

A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up

A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?

Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]

person: take $6??

The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.

Where’s my employee discount too?

nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-

me: SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses