Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’

I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.

*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.

The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.

Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.

ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place

Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.

passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

I have half a mind to…

Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”

“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”

Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.

Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.

Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.

Meow

When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.

Ok who’s got my black socks?