Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
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“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
My beach vacation Google searches
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.
…No, YOU shut up.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.