Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server

[being 40]

fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job

me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –

FD: your body is only 38% recovered today

me: wtf

chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.

If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.

People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.

Me: *opens a package*

5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!

Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.

5:

Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*

Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”

“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”

I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.

In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.

Guy: Which way is left?

Me: *points to the right*

Guy: What is a horn for?

Me: Jazz

Guy: Where does gasoline go?

Me: *points to my tummy*

Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*

My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.

Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.