Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?

Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do

If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻‍♀️😂

*quits cold turkey*

*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*

MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in ufo]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.

My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.

The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.

It cost me an arm and a leg!

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone

day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.

This is the coolest video you will see today.

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana