Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
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My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.