Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
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[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
meow
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ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee