Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
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“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
me opening up to someone
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross