Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
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Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
journal
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
