Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
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Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired