Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
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US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine