Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
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19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
definitely did not do anything wrong
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?