Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*