Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
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My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Just organising my finances.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*