Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
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My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?