Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
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“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
You are what you delete.
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.