Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
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coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
The internet is full of many things
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.