Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
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Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.