Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try

Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?

An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”

I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.

I may be small, but so is a grenade.

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.

Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?

Me: recently?

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes

toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!

OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.

Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people

What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…

Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.