Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
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You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
The answer is funnier than the question
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Got ya covered
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows