Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hub: Let’s go see a movie

Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*

H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.

[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

“why do you take so long in the shower?”

me:

watching gymnastics

Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.

My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.

nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.

every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”

receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference

me: perfect tell me all about it

receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.

My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.

Him: I said cologne.

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.

her: this man needs medical help

me: let me through I’m a doctor

her: why are you opening his mouth?

me: no cavities

her: he’s having a heart attack

me: flosses regularly

her: do something

me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.

Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.

One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.