Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
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my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Donkey Kong sommelier
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I’m literally crying
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.