Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.

Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.

If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.

Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?

The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos

I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife

“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”

Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!

Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom

There was romance over dinner last night.

Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.

I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.

House for sale. Spider on ceiling.

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

[1st Date]

Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…

Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.

Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad

Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?

How I like cutting carbs

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