Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
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Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
live long and prosper!
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.