Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old

if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates

really makes you think 🤔

I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.

You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*

“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”

There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle

⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

I have some bad news about people who work in offices

I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.

I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service

My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer

[ First day as a bartender ]

Me: *unzips customers pants*

Him: wtf!?

Me: you said make it stiff

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!