Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
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Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
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Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.