Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
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And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.
My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
That’s fair
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit