Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

wife: how did the poetry slam go?

me: *taping my glasses back together * better

I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.

Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?

Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball

Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen

ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying

WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?

ME: first of all, he says you’re rude

[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?

When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼‍♂️

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.

Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?