Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
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getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
In space, no one can hear…
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.