Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
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life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch