Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
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If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today