Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

Well, shit

This is not me but this is me

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad

me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one

If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”

6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken

😳

You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.

Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.

Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..

“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine

On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..

How hung over are you?

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.