Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
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People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I think my mom just blocked me
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Spring cleaning checklist…
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!