Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together

Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter

I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME

Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.

Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*

brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH

me: *goes radio silent*

date: I like to tell dad jokes

me: does he laugh?

date: what

This makes total sense…

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

*deletes my ex’s phone number*

k, weigh me now.

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.