Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a group of ocelots is called an awfelot

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.

I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.

My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!

Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!

Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.

Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.

A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along

Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.

men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.

We’re prime-mates.

#MeanwhileinCanada

LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

[lost at sea]

FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair

ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.

Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.