Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)

1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)

Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”

Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)

How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.

A dad and his duck

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

Me: *in bed with dogs*

*car drives down street*

Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money

Manager: Is this true

Waiter: I just gave him the check

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda

I saw this ending much differently.

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*

That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM

I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?