Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog

Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.

yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂

Me: you’ll be in school until 2035

My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number

Me: maybe even longer

Every. Damn. Time.

me linking you to my twitter

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life

Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?

Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to

HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?

ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend

HIM: what?

ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low

HIM: what did you say?

ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.

I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…

*slides deodorant across the table*

My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.

[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.

My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.