Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
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My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
If you leave your cart in the middle of the aisle while you go get something, I feel like it’s ok to run you over with said cart.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
