Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
You Might Also Like
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Me: I say it will be $750
Hubs: I say $630
Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29
Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!
Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.