Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have

My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger

Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

From my Mom

“Sir how should we sell scissors?”

SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors

18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

PSA:

Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends

Optimist: The cup is half full.

Pessimist: The cup is half empty.

Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.

Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?

Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!

Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.

God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.

Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!

God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.

Angel: Never mind, go ahead.

I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.

A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.

Start calling divorces “incidents”

Level up on that intrigue

[blind date]

Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?

Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.

Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.

*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*

You know how I know society sets us up to fail?

Roombas only work if your house is already clean.

Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body

My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please

Me: what’s that? More cheese?

Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

Me:

3yo:

Me:

3yo:

Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*