Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9 circles of hell in this economy?

Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.

“Notice the way he uses colors.”

“How??”

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go

The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.

“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.

Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*

May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence

*names my little horse OneTrick*

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in

“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”

Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.

M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.