Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube

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[in the park]

ME: aww look a baby

WIFE: is it on me?!

ME: um no it’s in a stroll-

WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME


The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.


We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.


wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*


Shout out to bicyclists that yell “on your left” as they pass me so I know which arm to clothesline them with.


Dang girl are you the old lady from Up, because I’ve only been here for like 5 minutes and you’re already gone.


CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear