Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
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I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Matt Goss
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
#Caturday
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.