Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

terminator: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: I said–

me: I’m thinking

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.

The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

SEVEN DEADLY SINS

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with

I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?

I try

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1630137906596659200/pu/vid/480x848/4P2WoCXD8Epm0b2S.mp4?tag=12

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined

Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?

Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning

Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts