Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.

How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.

Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.

Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent

My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.

At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.

I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.