Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
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Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
whatcha thinkin bout
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…