Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Nice try Hitler
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.