Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.

TWITTER

2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral

2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable

2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater

2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.

If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.

“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*

Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy

*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

good morning

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that

Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats