Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

friend: can i tell you something

me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips

“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”

If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya

teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind

40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.

SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?

“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”

ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share

No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice

My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Tell your friends”

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*