wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
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me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
How times have changed.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”