Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
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Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.