Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
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Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Going to church you guys need anything
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Seems legit.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs