Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
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I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Just how popey was the pope today?
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”