*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
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who called it hell and not heaven’t
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.