Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

Me: Why are you in my bed?

8: It’s definitely not because there are crumbs in mine.

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.

Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.

the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.

Don’t you dare flirt with me.

Yet.

Okay now.

Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold