Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
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Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
no one likes gloating
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home