Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
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Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Sheep
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*