Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
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I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.