Wonders if chickens do the funky people.

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As you get older, dirty talk turns into “Yeah baby, take that nap. Take all of it honey. You like that couch? Oh yeah, sleep on it…”


[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”


I’ve been sucking on this Jolly Rancher for an hour. He was just a rancher when I started.


Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”


Mom wants me to have a baby girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.And I want a sane mother who isn’t oblivious to my Italian bloodline.


bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring

jeweler: how many karats

bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much


covid has ruined doing pushups on the gas station floor to show the gas station employee that you are strong


imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit


Go ahead lady, call the cops. I have witnesses that say your toddler started it.