Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
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My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.