*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
You Might Also Like
I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.