*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
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Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*